you are the mistake i don't regret
by sanskrits
Summary: — kaz is never drinking with people again.


**from a headcanon i got on tumblr. bi!kaz is** _ **reallllllllllll**_ **sorry i don't make the rules**

 **this isn't kazjesper though. while i kind of ship it kanej and wesper are endgames**

 **wc: 1049**

. . .

Kaz is never drinking with people again. Why he had decided to let _Jesper_ of all people drag him to a bar is beyond him.

Since when has his logic decided to fail him? It's not supposed to work this way. Kaz is really _not_ supposed to let Jesper coerce him into getting piss-drunk with him at a shady Barrel bar. It's just not supposed to happen.

And yet his blazing hangover says otherwise, the feeling of vomit in his mouth says otherwise, and his lips feel — slightly swollen?

 _Oh, good Ghezen, did I_ kiss _someone?_ Kaz thinks in horror, and then he thinks that he _touched_ someone's lips with his own and is that why he's got vomit in his mouth — oh, Ghezen, did he _throw up_ all over the person he kissed because he can't hold his liquor and he can't hold back memories of that water rising?

This is a hot mess. That kiss had better have been worth it.

 _Oh, yeah. It was,_ the slightly tingling feeling on his lips and in his gut tells him.

Kaz isn't sure if he should be pleased, disturbed, or horrified.

He tries to summon some remembrance of the night before and all that pops up is dark skin — Jesper's skin.

 _Oh, good Ghezen, did I kiss_ Jesper?

 _Did I — like it?_

This is _insanity._ Pure insanity.

What are the odds that Jesper's going to remember? Almost zero. Almost none. Jesper had been _way_ more smashed than he'd been. There's no way Jesper's going to remember.

Kaz can just casually go about his business as normal. Pretend nothing ever happened. Who'd he kiss? Who'd he potentially vomit on? _No one._

Nothing happened. Nothing happened at all.

(He's straight. He's totally straight. Inej makes his stomach all tingly and that kiss did not do the same thing to him at all. Whatever are you suggesting? Nothing even _happened._ )

. . .

This approach does not work for a multitude of reasons — mainly because every time he sees Jesper he thinks of his lips on Kaz's and potentially covering him in _vomit_ and thinking _What if he remembered?_

Kaz swallows himself in anxiety and he makes himself think of Inej and that's not good either because he doesn't want to think about Inej because there's no way he has feelings for her — her braid just looks nice today and that's all.

Somewhere in this terrible loop of Jesper-Inej-Jesper-STOP, he realizes that the most rational choice to make is to stop his shit and just tell Jesper they may have kissed and Kaz might've vomited on him.

It's no big deal. Really. It isn't.

Kaz calls Jesper into his office, makes sure to tell him to close the door. Jesper frowns but he does so.

"What business?"

"Okay, so you know that day when we went to that shady bar and I got drunk and you probably don't remember what happened?"

"Um —"

"Yeah so Ithinkwemight'veaccidentallysortofkindofkissed." The words that spill out of Kaz's lips are a huge jumble and he's choking on his words — he's not supposed to choke on his words.

It would be nice if the floor were to devour him right about now.

Jesper blinks. He blinks again.

"So?" he asks finally, perhaps finally processing Kaz's gibberish somehow.

"So I'm straight and I'mnotsupposedtolikeitbutIaccidentallysortofkindofdid."

 _Damn you, Jesper Fahey._

Jesper laughs. Kaz glares at him.

"This — this is not _funny,_ okay, I think I accidentally vomited on you and it was so awkward for weeks, there's no way this is _funny_ —"

"So you like Inej, right?" Jesper interrupts.

"What?"

Jesper gives him a look like _Stop lying._

Kaz sighs, but he doesn't say the words. It's answer enough.

"So you might be bi. Or pan. Whatever works. Or you might be straight and you just really liked the alcohol," Jesper muses.

"And how do I determine that?" Kaz asks, undertoned a little venomously.

"Kiss me again, you idiot," Jesper sighs, as if the solution is very obvious.

As if Kaz isn't going to start retching the moment their lips touch.

But if he can look past the uncomfortable memories of the water —

 _I can best this,_ Kaz tells himself.

Kaz grimaces, but then he motions to Jesper, conveying, _Let's get this over with,_ and he stands on his tiptoes to give Jesper a peck on the lips and —

He can feel the water of the harbor on his skin and the pustules on Jordie's corpse, lifeless and pale and everything is wet and gross and Kaz is going to throw up —

But somewhere, deep down, he feels that tingling sensation, the same one he feels when he looks at Inej —

 _You can best this,_ Kaz tells himself resolutely.

 _No, you can't._

"Jesper —" Kaz breathes, "would you —?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jesper says, and moves out of the way.

Kaz takes one moment — counts it exactly — to compose himself, and then reflects.

"Not straight…" he confirms. "But not gay."

"Probably bi," Jesper says.

" _Bi,_ " Kaz murmurs, testing the words out on his lips, and then realizes that — _he just kissed_ Jesper. And that Jesper is a terrible gossip.

"And if you breathe a word of this to anyone," warns Kaz lowly, "I will pick the lock on your door, sneak into your bedroom, and skin you alive. Got it?"

Jesper gulps, and nods. "I was wondering when you'd get to the death threats. This whole thing made you so — _awkward_ and not ruthless. Imagine," he smirks, "what would happen if this were to get out —?"

"If it were to get out, a certain someone would wake up to find their lips sewn shut," Kaz responds casually.

"And whoever would that be?" Jesper asks, but there's a little less spring in his step as he walks to the door.

Kaz allows himself a small smile. "Whoever would it be?" he echoes quietly.

He can hear Jesper's laugh down the hallway.

He allows this thought into his head as one small indulgence: he'd like to make Inej laugh like that sometime.

Then Kaz turns away from the door and back to the day's work. He does not think of Inej any longer. Indulgences are just that — indulgences.

Temporary.


End file.
